When I Am Fine Really Means I Am Protecting Myself
When someone says I am fine, it often does not mean I feel at ease. More often it means I am keeping everything contained. The words can reflect composure more than wellbeing. Many adults grew up in environments where strong emotion felt like too much for the people around them. They learned to take care of their own feelings quietly so that relationships would remain intact.
Neuroscience-informed therapy does not treat I am fine as a problem to confront. It treats it as a protective strategy that made sense at some point. If a person learned that expressing sadness led to ridicule, or that anger was met with withdrawal, then it is understandable that the nervous system now prefers calm statements and quick reassurance. The body remembers what it had to do to keep the connection.
Insight alone does not ask the nervous system to behave differently. Someone might fully understand that it would be safe to talk more openly in their current relationships, and yet their body still tightens when they imagine doing it. Change comes when emotional experience is met with a different type of response than it received in the past. In a good therapeutic relationship, the client can bring ambivalence, fear, shame, or anger into the room and find that the connection holds.
Over time, I am fine no longer has to be the default. It becomes one possible answer among many. A person might still choose to hold some things privately, but they also begin to have genuine options. They can say I feel hurt, I feel frustrated, or I am not sure what I feel yet, without assuming that they will be too much for the relationship.
This is slow work. It is not about forcing disclosure or pushing for emotional intensity. Therapy creates conditions where the nervous system can test small experiments in honesty and see that the relationship remains steady. Each experience of staying connected while being more real sends new information to the brain about what is possible.
If you want to read more about how neuroscience-informed therapy can support communication, trust, and emotional growth, visit my recent post here.
If you recognize yourself in these patterns and would like to explore working together, the simplest way to start is by filling out the contact form on the site. You can share as much or as little as feels right, and I will respond personally.